1 00:00:00,783 --> 00:00:04,583 And now a message from those who they ruined our ocean. 2 00:00:04,810 --> 00:00:07,960 Good evening. I'm Tony Hayward, of British Petroleum. 3 00:00:07,970 --> 00:00:10,000 I'm Steven Newman from Transocean. 4 00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:12,415 And I'm Tim Probert, of Halliburton. 5 00:00:12,425 --> 00:00:13,825 We're back. 6 00:00:14,392 --> 00:00:18,186 As you probably know, we did various attempts to plug the leak. 7 00:00:18,196 --> 00:00:20,251 The initial plan was called: "top hat" 8 00:00:20,261 --> 00:00:23,663 where we tried to collect the leak in a large holding tank. 9 00:00:23,673 --> 00:00:25,723 This plan didn't work. 10 00:00:26,411 --> 00:00:28,998 Then we tried another one which it involved a gigantic tube... 11 00:00:29,008 --> 00:00:30,692 This plan was very close to my heart 12 00:00:30,702 --> 00:00:34,252 because it was suggested by my five year old daughter. 13 00:00:35,840 --> 00:00:37,840 It was a total failure. 14 00:00:38,229 --> 00:00:40,992 We also announced a new plan called: "Shoot Garbage". 15 00:00:41,002 --> 00:00:43,544 The plan is to shoot piles of rubbish on the leak 16 00:00:43,554 --> 00:00:45,086 trying to plug it. 17 00:00:45,096 --> 00:00:48,996 Well, this hasn't failed yet, but we are confident that it will. 18 00:00:49,571 --> 00:00:52,294 These are the only plans that we have announced so far, but tonight 19 00:00:52,304 --> 00:00:55,424 we are all here together for make sure you have plenty of other ideas. 20 00:00:55,434 --> 00:00:57,643 Ideas formulated by our people best scientists, 21 00:00:57,653 --> 00:00:59,546 with available more advanced technologies. 22 00:00:59,556 --> 00:01:02,706 The first floor is called: "Dolphins with mops." 23 00:01:06,637 --> 00:01:08,452 The plan consists of gather some dolphins 24 00:01:08,462 --> 00:01:11,638 to stick with tape mops on their fins. 25 00:01:11,648 --> 00:01:13,632 It might not work, but don't worry... 26 00:01:13,642 --> 00:01:16,592 Halliburton will create still a profit. 27 00:01:19,097 --> 00:01:21,989 The next plan is called: "The Schweppes attack"... 28 00:01:21,999 --> 00:01:26,499 which consists of spraying on oil several fizzy drinks spilled. 29 00:01:26,837 --> 00:01:29,187 Carbonated drinks, they take everything away. 30 00:01:29,969 --> 00:01:33,219 Now you might ask yourself: "But how can it work?" 31 00:01:33,618 --> 00:01:35,945 Another idea we have is called... 32 00:01:35,955 --> 00:01:38,251 "The Oil Whisperer." 33 00:01:38,261 --> 00:01:41,611 It's about hiring a trainer of animals, but for oil. 34 00:01:41,621 --> 00:01:44,533 He would approach the oil to tell him: 35 00:01:44,543 --> 00:01:45,904 “Bad oil!” 36 00:01:45,914 --> 00:01:46,964 "Stop it!" 37 00:01:49,160 --> 00:01:51,960 But there are many other plans, like "Aquaman", 38 00:01:52,304 --> 00:01:53,932 "Blame it on the French", 39 00:01:53,942 --> 00:01:55,442 "Insulating tape"... 40 00:01:55,496 --> 00:01:57,728 and our favorite, "Nice to meet you, I'm a little pregnant" 41 00:01:57,738 --> 00:01:59,801 which consists in letting go this oil mess 42 00:01:59,811 --> 00:02:02,227 and then go and see the new one romantic comedy by J. Lo, 43 00:02:02,237 --> 00:02:04,287 "Nice to meet you, I'm a little pregnant." 44 00:02:04,912 --> 00:02:08,262 I don't think it will help, but a laugh is always good. 45 00:02:09,352 --> 00:02:11,402 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... 46 00:02:12,376 --> 00:02:15,126 Whatever happens, we want just reassure the Americans 47 00:02:15,136 --> 00:02:16,854 that we will stop this leak, 48 00:02:16,864 --> 00:02:18,357 that we will clean up this mess 49 00:02:18,367 --> 00:02:20,352 and what we will do again what we do best, 50 00:02:20,362 --> 00:02:22,448 rob you at the petrol pumps. 51 00:02:22,458 --> 00:02:26,308 And now finally, live from New York, I present to you Saturday Night! 52 00:02:32,684 --> 00:02:35,340 Here's Saturday Night Live! 53 00:02:35,350 --> 00:02:37,850 ::Italian Subs Addicted:: [www.italiansubs.net] 54 00:02:37,860 --> 00:02:39,595 With Fred Armisen 55 00:02:46,585 --> 00:02:47,692 Will Forte 56 00:02:53,659 --> 00:02:54,659 Bill Hader 57 00:03:00,072 --> 00:03:01,180 Seth Meyers 58 00:03:06,790 --> 00:03:08,121 Andy Samberg 59 00:03:11,214 --> 00:03:12,475 Jason Sudeikis 60 00:03:17,508 --> 00:03:19,432 Kenan Thompson 61 00:03:23,766 --> 00:03:24,954 Kristin Wiig 62 00:03:29,688 --> 00:03:32,638 With participation special by... Abby Elliot 63 00:03:36,084 --> 00:03:37,684 Bobby Moynihan 64 00:03:41,802 --> 00:03:43,556 Nasim Pedrad 65 00:03:46,811 --> 00:03:48,389 Jenny Slate 66 00:03:49,311 --> 00:03:50,796 Musical guest 67 00:03:51,030 --> 00:03:53,399 Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. 68 00:03:55,212 --> 00:03:56,262 Present... 69 00:03:56,313 --> 00:03:57,768 Alec Baldwin. 70 00:04:05,336 --> 00:04:06,880 Ladies and gentlemen, 71 00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:10,104 Alec Baldwin! 72 00:04:11,182 --> 00:04:13,782 Saturday Night Live Specials Alec Baldwin 73 00:04:13,981 --> 00:04:17,731 Translation: Talin68, Izzie, fabfrog, Tylerdurden.84, Pierpazzo89 74 00:04:17,918 --> 00:04:20,621 Translation: gre, filo28, iome86, dharmagirl 75 00:04:23,529 --> 00:04:27,300 Review: franz84ts 76 00:04:31,891 --> 00:04:34,489 Thanks. Thank you, thank you... thank you very much. 77 00:04:34,499 --> 00:04:36,883 I'm really happy with be here to present 78 00:04:36,893 --> 00:04:39,839 the season finale of Saturday Night Live... 79 00:04:39,849 --> 00:04:44,199 I'm proud to say that this is the fifteenth time I present it. 80 00:04:50,034 --> 00:04:53,984 Which puts me ahead 14 shows than Mrs. Betty White. 81 00:04:55,483 --> 00:04:57,330 Now that I've reached 15... 82 00:04:57,340 --> 00:05:00,680 I reached Steve Martin as high number of times conducted. 83 00:05:00,690 --> 00:05:02,595 Does anyone think that between Steve and me 84 00:05:02,605 --> 00:05:05,743 there is some sort of rivalry, but it's absurd. 85 00:05:05,753 --> 00:05:09,380 We just hosted the night together of the Oscars, we are good friends and in fact 86 00:05:09,390 --> 00:05:11,829 Steve has agreed to be here tonight 87 00:05:11,839 --> 00:05:14,289 via satellite. Here's Steve Martin. 88 00:05:14,299 --> 00:05:15,499 Hello everyone. 89 00:05:15,598 --> 00:05:16,648 Hi, Alec. 90 00:05:16,987 --> 00:05:20,370 I would like to thank all my people Mexico Facebook friends 91 00:05:20,380 --> 00:05:24,253 for demanding that I appear in too this episode of Saturday Night Live... 92 00:05:24,263 --> 00:05:26,313 You know, when I started... 93 00:05:28,256 --> 00:05:29,256 Oh, no. 94 00:05:29,408 --> 00:05:31,126 There will be problems with the satellite. 95 00:05:31,136 --> 00:05:33,774 I wish I had heard of more from Steve. 96 00:05:33,784 --> 00:05:37,289 I found the remote control. I would like to congratulate you, Alec, on being... 97 00:05:37,299 --> 00:05:39,399 Being here is always an honor... 98 00:05:39,874 --> 00:05:43,008 But at the beginning of the week, I also had another great honor: 99 00:05:43,018 --> 00:05:45,619 give the speech at the delivery of degrees from New York University, 100 00:05:45,629 --> 00:05:48,229 at Yankee Stadium. Do we have pictures? 101 00:05:52,403 --> 00:05:54,303 Do we have the pictures, then? 102 00:05:54,612 --> 00:05:56,729 I was hoping for a photo of myself while I give the speech. 103 00:05:56,739 --> 00:05:57,989 Anyway... 104 00:05:59,154 --> 00:06:02,824 it was exciting. I received an honorary degree in fine arts. 105 00:06:02,834 --> 00:06:05,106 Therefore, from now on, I wish you all would call me, 106 00:06:05,116 --> 00:06:06,716 Dr. Alec Baldwin... 107 00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:08,950 Obstetrician/Gynecologist. 108 00:06:10,944 --> 00:06:13,860 You know, the one in New York was there my university, but somehow 109 00:06:13,870 --> 00:06:15,222 so was "SNL." 110 00:06:15,232 --> 00:06:19,232 So I'd like to give the speech of graduations for "SNL". 111 00:06:20,238 --> 00:06:21,638 Distinguished guests... 112 00:06:21,886 --> 00:06:23,370 members of the public... 113 00:06:23,380 --> 00:06:26,708 and to all of you watching us tonight from home or, more realistically, 114 00:06:26,718 --> 00:06:28,568 Monday morning on a PC... 115 00:06:29,745 --> 00:06:33,436 we have reached the end of another season of Saturday Night Live. 116 00:06:33,446 --> 00:06:35,846 But we didn't get here alone. 117 00:06:35,869 --> 00:06:40,169 I think we should take a moment to thank our families. 118 00:06:40,383 --> 00:06:41,583 The family... 119 00:06:46,077 --> 00:06:48,037 Family should always be in first place. 120 00:06:48,047 --> 00:06:50,678 Relatives should be appreciated more than all the others. 121 00:06:50,688 --> 00:06:53,538 They should be appreciated in this order. 122 00:06:53,679 --> 00:06:55,437 First my brother Bill... 123 00:06:55,447 --> 00:06:59,280 then my brothers Daniel and Stephen who in practice they take turns in second position. 124 00:06:59,290 --> 00:07:02,940 And I conclude, since I'm not one who loves the sound of his voice. 125 00:07:02,950 --> 00:07:04,215 It's no use because... 126 00:07:04,225 --> 00:07:07,879 there are already many other people who like my voice. 127 00:07:08,407 --> 00:07:10,107 It's an incredible voice. 128 00:07:10,117 --> 00:07:12,117 But I would like to give some advice... 129 00:07:13,356 --> 00:07:14,989 Follow your dreams... 130 00:07:14,999 --> 00:07:16,991 they will take you to incredible places. 131 00:07:17,001 --> 00:07:19,750 You know, twenty years ago, there was a young movie star 132 00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:21,986 who lived in Hollywood, but he wanted more. 133 00:07:21,996 --> 00:07:24,957 So he worked and worked, he dreamed and dreamed. 134 00:07:24,967 --> 00:07:27,153 Sure, there were some setback, 135 00:07:27,163 --> 00:07:31,713 including a difficult public divorce with a beautiful and complicated actress. 136 00:07:33,093 --> 00:07:35,032 But he never lost hope... 137 00:07:35,042 --> 00:07:37,142 and his dreams came true. 138 00:07:37,166 --> 00:07:39,786 Because today that star of the cinema works in a sitcom... 139 00:07:39,796 --> 00:07:40,979 and he's happy, 140 00:07:40,989 --> 00:07:43,126 happier than I've ever been. 141 00:07:43,136 --> 00:07:44,186 How do I know? 142 00:07:44,474 --> 00:07:46,559 Because, ladies and gentlemen, that man... 143 00:07:46,569 --> 00:07:47,919 e' Charlie Sheen. 144 00:07:50,336 --> 00:07:51,383 Thank you. 145 00:07:51,735 --> 00:07:56,085 We have a great show tonight, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers are here! 146 00:08:01,827 --> 00:08:04,206 A DIGITAL SHORT FROM SNL 147 00:08:13,673 --> 00:08:17,976 148 00:08:17,986 --> 00:08:22,243 149 00:08:22,253 --> 00:08:24,376 150 00:08:24,386 --> 00:08:26,568 151 00:08:26,578 --> 00:08:29,578 152 00:08:30,258 --> 00:08:32,781 153 00:08:33,164 --> 00:08:34,350 Hey there, Mr. Postman! 154 00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:36,648 There are letters from mine ex-wife or my children? 155 00:08:36,658 --> 00:08:38,658 - No! - But what great news! 156 00:08:42,044 --> 00:08:46,206 157 00:08:46,216 --> 00:08:50,327 158 00:08:50,561 --> 00:08:52,883 159 00:08:52,893 --> 00:08:54,981 160 00:08:54,991 --> 00:08:56,985 161 00:08:56,995 --> 00:08:59,260 Hey! Hey! Take them away from me Hands off, damn it! 162 00:08:59,270 --> 00:09:01,016 No! Hell no! 163 00:09:03,243 --> 00:09:04,643 Give me a second. 164 00:09:08,539 --> 00:09:11,705 165 00:09:11,715 --> 00:09:14,828 166 00:09:14,838 --> 00:09:17,910 167 00:09:17,920 --> 00:09:20,242 168 00:09:20,252 --> 00:09:22,136 169 00:09:22,146 --> 00:09:23,355 - Hey, Dennis! - It's me! 170 00:09:23,365 --> 00:09:24,960 - Are you really going to run with the bulls? - Why would I do that? 171 00:09:24,970 --> 00:09:27,386 - Because you said so! - But that was like three days ago! 172 00:09:27,396 --> 00:09:28,404 Or not? 173 00:09:28,414 --> 00:09:31,514 174 00:09:31,524 --> 00:09:34,573 175 00:09:34,583 --> 00:09:37,681 176 00:09:37,691 --> 00:09:41,773 177 00:09:41,783 --> 00:09:43,156 - Get the fuck out of here. - What? 178 00:09:43,166 --> 00:09:44,244 - Right away. - Tom! 179 00:09:44,254 --> 00:09:48,782 180 00:09:48,792 --> 00:09:53,726 181 00:09:55,780 --> 00:09:58,758 182 00:09:58,768 --> 00:10:01,137 183 00:10:01,147 --> 00:10:03,186 184 00:10:13,341 --> 00:10:14,981 But what's wrong with it? 185 00:10:16,354 --> 00:10:17,408 And the drug. 186 00:10:29,547 --> 00:10:31,600 Jeremy, if I may to marry my daughter, 187 00:10:31,610 --> 00:10:35,770 I allow you to enter my house and in my heart, and I can't do it. 188 00:10:36,067 --> 00:10:37,508 Oh, but Durango... 189 00:10:38,481 --> 00:10:39,594 you will. 190 00:10:40,227 --> 00:10:41,528 And... stop! 191 00:10:41,798 --> 00:10:43,217 Perfect guys, great job. 192 00:10:43,227 --> 00:10:45,221 Was it okay, Sherman? I was good, right? 193 00:10:45,231 --> 00:10:46,806 Yes, that was fine with me. 194 00:10:46,816 --> 00:10:48,564 Sorry, sorry for a moment. 195 00:10:48,574 --> 00:10:52,045 I'm the new... I'm the new secretary of edition. My name is Stellamarina. 196 00:10:52,055 --> 00:10:54,037 I'm sorry but... you have... 197 00:10:54,047 --> 00:10:56,576 you said the joke wrong, you messed up. 198 00:10:56,586 --> 00:11:00,471 Sorry, but who are you? And where is Elaine, our regular edition secretary? 199 00:11:00,481 --> 00:11:02,662 My name is Stellamarina... and... 200 00:11:02,672 --> 00:11:05,572 I'm replacing Elaine. He's not coming today, not at all. 201 00:11:07,137 --> 00:11:09,729 Oh, okay. You said that is your name Stellamarina? 202 00:11:09,739 --> 00:11:12,062 I seemed to understand that your name is Stellamarina. 203 00:11:12,072 --> 00:11:14,772 Yes, yes, yes, they gave me this name because my parents... 204 00:11:14,782 --> 00:11:19,032 they conceived me when my father had penetrated my mother in Myrtle Beach. 205 00:11:19,727 --> 00:11:21,768 I recently shot one spots in Myrtle Beach, 206 00:11:21,778 --> 00:11:23,561 for a drug for osteoarthritis based on chondroitin. 207 00:11:23,571 --> 00:11:26,108 Oh, okay. Well, the last time that I was there I was... 208 00:11:26,118 --> 00:11:29,385 I was in my mother's belly, I was just a little worm with no eyes. 209 00:11:29,395 --> 00:11:30,532 Already'. 210 00:11:30,661 --> 00:11:32,209 Sorry, what was Morris' line? 211 00:11:32,219 --> 00:11:34,183 Oh, let me look a little, you should have said... 212 00:11:34,193 --> 00:11:35,366 "Jeremy"... 213 00:11:35,376 --> 00:11:38,926 You have to say, "Jeremy, if I may my daughter to marry you." 214 00:11:39,361 --> 00:11:42,111 Thanks, Dentona... I meant Stellamarina. 215 00:11:42,361 --> 00:11:44,376 Had to bite my tongue, huh? 216 00:11:44,892 --> 00:11:46,492 Okay, let's do it again. 217 00:11:47,447 --> 00:11:49,486 Scene four, second take. 218 00:11:51,221 --> 00:11:52,221 And... 219 00:11:53,049 --> 00:11:56,238 - Azio... Stellamarina you're in the frame. - Yes'. Yes, yes, yes. 220 00:11:56,248 --> 00:11:57,525 Yes'. Yes, yes. 221 00:11:57,771 --> 00:11:59,271 - Yes, yes. - Well. 222 00:12:00,010 --> 00:12:01,510 And... action. 223 00:12:01,863 --> 00:12:05,513 Jeremy, if I allow my daughter to marry you, I allow you... 224 00:12:07,007 --> 00:12:09,152 Stella... Stellamarina! Stop! 225 00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:10,876 No, no, no, sorry, you know what? 226 00:12:10,886 --> 00:12:13,786 You said it well there first time, sorry. 227 00:12:14,197 --> 00:12:17,997 This mess with Elaine has me made my brain go to mush. 228 00:12:18,216 --> 00:12:20,474 What happened to Elaine? Is it a private thing? 229 00:12:20,484 --> 00:12:25,234 Listen to this: she was put down by someone truck carrying packaged chips. 230 00:12:25,571 --> 00:12:28,854 Wait a minute, you're taking me for the teeth... I mean sorry, about the bottoms? 231 00:12:28,864 --> 00:12:30,776 No, no, her legs are gone. 232 00:12:30,786 --> 00:12:34,563 They rolled over under the truck like the tentacles of squid. 233 00:12:34,573 --> 00:12:36,649 - Poor Elaine, I adore her. - Yes'. 234 00:12:36,659 --> 00:12:39,508 He has a tooth... that is, such a big heart. 235 00:12:39,518 --> 00:12:42,968 - Hey, can we just do the scene? - Yes, come on people! 236 00:12:44,288 --> 00:12:46,088 Scene four, third take. 237 00:12:46,734 --> 00:12:48,726 Okay. And... 238 00:12:49,757 --> 00:12:51,907 - Starfish? - Yes, yes, yes. 239 00:12:52,031 --> 00:12:53,462 - Stellamarina, move! - Yes'. 240 00:12:53,472 --> 00:12:55,235 I am the new edition secretary. 241 00:12:55,245 --> 00:12:56,895 Exit the frame. 242 00:12:58,146 --> 00:12:59,146 And action. 243 00:12:59,815 --> 00:13:02,437 Jeremy, if I may to marry my daughter... 244 00:13:02,447 --> 00:13:03,447 Cut. 245 00:13:03,636 --> 00:13:06,324 Stellamarina... yours script is in the frame. 246 00:13:06,334 --> 00:13:08,115 My script is on set. 247 00:13:08,125 --> 00:13:10,025 The set is in the frame. 248 00:13:10,416 --> 00:13:11,416 You too. 249 00:13:14,567 --> 00:13:15,667 And... action. 250 00:13:15,846 --> 00:13:17,967 Jeremy, if I may to marry my daughter, 251 00:13:17,977 --> 00:13:19,929 I allow you to enter... 252 00:13:19,959 --> 00:13:21,009 Oh, boy. 253 00:13:21,585 --> 00:13:23,625 - Oh, man. - Cut, damn it, Stellamarina. 254 00:13:23,635 --> 00:13:24,794 Oh, damn, damn. 255 00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:27,565 Listen a little here. I just received a text message from Elaine. 256 00:13:27,575 --> 00:13:28,675 She will have... 257 00:13:29,055 --> 00:13:31,455 a leg amputated within an hour. 258 00:13:31,726 --> 00:13:34,876 Oh, man, it's going to look like to a chip in a jar. 259 00:13:36,257 --> 00:13:39,647 What? They will cut them a leg? Really? 260 00:13:39,677 --> 00:13:41,175 Oh, my God, you know what? 261 00:13:41,185 --> 00:13:42,745 Oh, my God, I think I read it 262 00:13:42,755 --> 00:13:44,326 Elaine's text message was bad. He won't have 263 00:13:44,336 --> 00:13:46,906 the amputated leg between an hour, she, um... 264 00:13:46,916 --> 00:13:48,716 he said he's fine, ok. 265 00:13:50,136 --> 00:13:53,607 I read it wrong, sorry, I don't know How I did it, I really don't know. 266 00:13:53,617 --> 00:13:56,787 Stellamarina, we have to do the two lines of this scene. 267 00:13:56,797 --> 00:13:58,897 - Already'. - Already'. Ok, let's go again. 268 00:13:58,916 --> 00:14:01,916 - Okay, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Yes'? - And Stellamarina... 269 00:14:02,376 --> 00:14:04,635 - Out of frame. - Yes, yes, yes. 270 00:14:04,645 --> 00:14:06,203 Scene 4, shot 4. 271 00:14:07,602 --> 00:14:08,656 And... action. 272 00:14:08,666 --> 00:14:10,786 Jeremy, if I may to marry my daughter... 273 00:14:10,796 --> 00:14:13,846 Stellamarina, your teeth I'm in the frame! 274 00:14:13,896 --> 00:14:16,196 Yes, yes, yes... my... my... 275 00:14:17,237 --> 00:14:19,016 Now? Am I in now? 276 00:14:19,026 --> 00:14:20,984 Your... your teeth are... 277 00:14:20,994 --> 00:14:22,756 Your mouth is in the frame. 278 00:14:22,766 --> 00:14:26,785 - Are my teeth in my mouth? - Your mouth is in the frame. 279 00:14:26,795 --> 00:14:27,995 Yes, yes, yes. 280 00:14:28,216 --> 00:14:29,216 And action. 281 00:14:29,246 --> 00:14:31,986 Jeremy, if I may to marry my daughter... 282 00:14:31,996 --> 00:14:36,157 I allow you to enter my house and in my heart, and I can't do it. 283 00:14:36,187 --> 00:14:37,646 Oh, but Durango... 284 00:14:37,676 --> 00:14:40,926 I'm looking for Elaine, I'm looking Elaine, I'm Stellamarina. 285 00:14:41,636 --> 00:14:43,186 Oh, really? 286 00:14:43,478 --> 00:14:45,328 Oh, he's fine, oh how nice. 287 00:14:45,606 --> 00:14:46,956 Great, ok, good. 288 00:14:47,227 --> 00:14:49,277 And have his legs improved? 289 00:14:49,340 --> 00:14:50,735 Oh, but that's wonderful. 290 00:14:50,745 --> 00:14:52,445 Great, ok, ok, good. 291 00:14:53,485 --> 00:14:54,635 Okay, then... 292 00:14:56,868 --> 00:14:58,168 Elaine is dead. 293 00:14:59,186 --> 00:15:03,186 But I don't and I'm Stellamarina and I am the new script supervisor. 294 00:15:24,946 --> 00:15:27,955 And when we raised that trophy on our heads 295 00:15:25,032 --> 00:15:27,932 { 6}HUDSON VALLEY HIGH SCHOOL SPORTS AWARDS 7.00 PM 296 00:15:27,985 --> 00:15:32,150 I realized that this is the biggest football team I have ever coached. 297 00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:33,616 You are warriors, 298 00:15:33,626 --> 00:15:35,076 you are champions, 299 00:15:35,110 --> 00:15:37,060 and I love you guys. 300 00:15:41,966 --> 00:15:45,727 The Hudson Valley football team he is national champion once again. 301 00:15:45,737 --> 00:15:48,843 And finally let's focus on the swim team. 302 00:15:49,557 --> 00:15:51,360 I don't think they won anything 303 00:15:51,370 --> 00:15:54,420 this year, but there's more Good thing no one died. 304 00:15:56,205 --> 00:15:58,529 Okay, so let's welcome our 305 00:15:58,539 --> 00:16:00,759 most particular coach, Coach Rooney. 306 00:16:07,846 --> 00:16:10,646 Alright, let's do it finished with this nightmare. 307 00:16:10,726 --> 00:16:12,456 I'll try to make brief comments. 308 00:16:12,466 --> 00:16:16,087 Whereas I should say nice things, it shouldn't be a problem. 309 00:16:16,097 --> 00:16:18,457 Let's start with the prizes for the participants, 310 00:16:18,467 --> 00:16:20,817 better known as "the losers". 311 00:16:22,196 --> 00:16:23,919 Mike Santoro, come on. 312 00:16:25,117 --> 00:16:26,917 Now get away from me. 313 00:16:27,875 --> 00:16:29,075 Rachel Morris. 314 00:16:30,017 --> 00:16:33,067 This girl doesn't float not even in space. 315 00:16:33,665 --> 00:16:35,865 He swallowed more water than the filter. 316 00:16:36,647 --> 00:16:38,013 Julie Duvner? 317 00:16:39,597 --> 00:16:43,847 I call this girl "the drowned one freeze-dried", just add water. 318 00:16:44,146 --> 00:16:46,392 Bradley Cuffling, oh my God! 319 00:16:47,087 --> 00:16:49,697 I actually encouraged it to pee in the pool 320 00:16:49,707 --> 00:16:52,557 hoping it would help her to push him forward. 321 00:16:54,367 --> 00:16:57,917 But even though he pees, he swam as a baby anyway. 322 00:17:00,230 --> 00:17:02,980 Now it's John's turn "Titanic" Wentworth. 323 00:17:04,177 --> 00:17:06,898 He swam wearing his shirt. 324 00:17:07,676 --> 00:17:10,829 Now that was scary our adversaries to death. 325 00:17:11,727 --> 00:17:13,037 Luke Summers. 326 00:17:14,056 --> 00:17:16,456 The guy has two things going for him common with Greg Louganis: 327 00:17:16,466 --> 00:17:20,716 he hit his head on the trampoline and I'll let you imagine the second. 328 00:17:23,736 --> 00:17:26,386 Oh, I almost forgot by Pete O'Connell. 329 00:17:27,666 --> 00:17:29,585 Well done, Pete. I hate you! 330 00:17:30,895 --> 00:17:33,037 - Not as much as I hate her. - No, me more, Pete, 331 00:17:33,047 --> 00:17:35,247 I assure you, I hate you more. 332 00:17:36,166 --> 00:17:37,166 Go. 333 00:17:39,226 --> 00:17:42,030 Well, now it's time for the prize for the greatest improvement. 334 00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:43,115 If you win: 335 00:17:43,125 --> 00:17:45,234 my hatred for these guys. 336 00:17:46,156 --> 00:17:49,206 I actually did it to myself write on the nameplate. 337 00:17:49,695 --> 00:17:54,145 I also have to give the award for the most present, ironically, to Paul Williams. 338 00:17:54,955 --> 00:17:57,405 He didn't even come to training. 339 00:17:57,957 --> 00:18:00,757 Not even until tonight I knew it was black. 340 00:18:01,446 --> 00:18:03,946 - Well done, buddy. - Oh, thanks coach. 341 00:18:05,656 --> 00:18:09,056 Ok, I'm in a relationship with the mother of the next girl. 342 00:18:09,336 --> 00:18:12,277 It's the light of my eyes, not the girl, the mother. 343 00:18:12,287 --> 00:18:13,855 The girl is a mess. 344 00:18:13,865 --> 00:18:16,651 And to your father I would just like to say... No, no, shut up, Jerry! 345 00:18:16,661 --> 00:18:19,697 You have to sit! You're a coward! You never appreciated it! 346 00:18:19,707 --> 00:18:22,107 Okay, Marigold Jennings, come up now. 347 00:18:23,387 --> 00:18:25,107 You won the... I don't know... the... 348 00:18:25,117 --> 00:18:27,026 liveliness award, bullshit like that. 349 00:18:27,036 --> 00:18:29,686 But stay away from your mother's room. 350 00:18:30,925 --> 00:18:33,766 And, of course, there's the prize for the best athlete. 351 00:18:33,776 --> 00:18:37,876 I can't put enough sarcastic quotes to this word. 352 00:18:38,973 --> 00:18:41,953 You know, I never would have thought of pray for the death of a boy, 353 00:18:41,963 --> 00:18:43,636 until I met... 354 00:18:43,646 --> 00:18:46,596 until I met the following vulture. 355 00:18:46,857 --> 00:18:50,107 Hey, Wally, do you want your prize? Go get it okay? 356 00:18:51,166 --> 00:18:53,116 I have nothing else for you animals! 357 00:18:53,597 --> 00:18:56,057 There is a surprise there wait in the parking lot. 358 00:18:56,067 --> 00:18:59,417 I slashed all your tires. Have a great summer! 359 00:19:30,136 --> 00:19:31,287 Hi, dad. 360 00:19:31,605 --> 00:19:33,605 Belinda, what are you doing here? 361 00:19:33,948 --> 00:19:37,407 Mom is loitering in the kitchen. He wanted some space, so... 362 00:19:37,417 --> 00:19:39,472 I thought about doing the turn to the grill! 363 00:19:39,482 --> 00:19:42,219 Darling, it's your birthday, I'll take care of the barbecue. 364 00:19:42,229 --> 00:19:43,979 Well, I'll be your sidekick. 365 00:19:44,202 --> 00:19:47,847 There's nothing better than spinning some meat with my daddy. 366 00:19:47,857 --> 00:19:51,911 Bedelia, these guys are here for the your birthday party. Go have fun! 367 00:19:51,921 --> 00:19:54,121 Hey silly, I'm having fun! 368 00:19:54,834 --> 00:19:57,498 No, I mean have fun like normal teenagers. 369 00:19:57,508 --> 00:19:59,749 Look, yours are there friends, go and say hello. 370 00:19:59,759 --> 00:20:01,042 Ok, received it. 371 00:20:05,011 --> 00:20:07,841 - Hello, girls. - He said he got the pink slip, so... 372 00:20:07,851 --> 00:20:09,170 we are still together. 373 00:20:09,180 --> 00:20:11,954 Ladies, I was busy of the barbecue with my dad. 374 00:20:11,964 --> 00:20:14,714 It's so steady. He has too much square balls. 375 00:20:15,437 --> 00:20:17,578 Why would you want to be with your dad? 376 00:20:17,588 --> 00:20:20,946 Okay, let's talk about it. He knows how to do the carpentry work... 377 00:20:20,976 --> 00:20:22,711 He sets me straight when I go astray... 378 00:20:22,721 --> 00:20:24,775 Recommends amazing restaurants... 379 00:20:24,785 --> 00:20:27,235 I mean, look at him, that man is epic. 380 00:20:29,474 --> 00:20:31,524 Do you know the book "1776"? 381 00:20:31,883 --> 00:20:32,933 He read it. 382 00:20:33,387 --> 00:20:35,237 However, don't be shy. 383 00:20:35,349 --> 00:20:38,129 Come closer and make fun of him his mayonnaise breath. 384 00:20:38,139 --> 00:20:39,739 He'll like it a lot. 385 00:20:41,696 --> 00:20:42,946 Hey you, tough guy... 386 00:20:43,199 --> 00:20:44,949 - Hello, darling. - Dad'? 387 00:20:45,820 --> 00:20:47,220 Move! We are equal. 388 00:20:50,062 --> 00:20:53,181 Hey do you want to go and listen to gods Santana b-side on vinyl? 389 00:20:53,191 --> 00:20:56,168 Bedilia, your friends are getting along preparing to enter the pool. 390 00:20:56,178 --> 00:20:58,429 You don't think they want to that you join them? 391 00:20:58,439 --> 00:20:59,439 Certain. 392 00:21:00,477 --> 00:21:02,869 Show me where my dimple comes from. 393 00:21:02,879 --> 00:21:04,129 Right from there. 394 00:21:10,425 --> 00:21:13,419 I heard mom doesn't want anyone else children. Did you have it cut? 395 00:21:13,429 --> 00:21:14,429 Bedilia! 396 00:21:15,513 --> 00:21:17,963 He's a real pain in the ass, huh, Dad? 397 00:21:19,678 --> 00:21:22,728 Honey, listen, you know that me and the mom likes to spend time with you... 398 00:21:22,738 --> 00:21:25,138 - Sure, there's chemistry between us. - Yes'. 399 00:21:25,772 --> 00:21:29,453 But you have to spend some time... More time with people your age. 400 00:21:29,463 --> 00:21:32,925 And this birthday party is a great opportunity to do so. 401 00:21:32,935 --> 00:21:36,485 Now head towards those guys goof over there and talk to us. 402 00:21:36,641 --> 00:21:38,341 Ok... I'll see you later. 403 00:21:39,058 --> 00:21:41,701 You can't shut a fart in a plastic cup. 404 00:21:41,711 --> 00:21:43,811 I'm telling you I did it. 405 00:21:44,011 --> 00:21:45,261 Hey, guys... 406 00:21:45,410 --> 00:21:47,860 Are you enjoying my dad's lawn? 407 00:21:48,430 --> 00:21:49,982 He dedicates whole hours to it. 408 00:21:50,168 --> 00:21:52,957 - Hey, Bedilia... -How old are you, anyway? 409 00:21:52,967 --> 00:21:54,516 I? 14 years... 410 00:21:54,895 --> 00:21:56,967 My dad? He's ageless... 411 00:21:57,115 --> 00:22:01,065 You saw his hairline hair? It's not going anywhere. 412 00:22:02,863 --> 00:22:04,291 He also keeps fit. 413 00:22:04,301 --> 00:22:07,146 He's on a diet, he follows the South Beach modified. 414 00:22:07,509 --> 00:22:09,859 He's already lost a few kilos... 415 00:22:10,010 --> 00:22:14,260 and I can imagine what he got out of it also beneficial under the sheets. 416 00:22:15,167 --> 00:22:18,117 You're talking about yours parents having sex? 417 00:22:18,279 --> 00:22:21,989 If our parents didn't have had sex, we wouldn't be here, right? 418 00:22:21,999 --> 00:22:24,280 - Yes, but still... - You know, guys... 419 00:22:24,290 --> 00:22:25,880 let's behave like mature people, 420 00:22:25,890 --> 00:22:29,475 the flame of passion is not a lighter that you turn on and off. 421 00:22:29,485 --> 00:22:32,985 It's a delicate fire that it must be fed and activated. 422 00:22:35,723 --> 00:22:36,723 HI. 423 00:22:39,063 --> 00:22:40,513 How's it going, Dos Equis? 424 00:22:42,292 --> 00:22:43,854 - Honey... - Seriously, dad, 425 00:22:43,864 --> 00:22:46,058 you are the greatest man interesting in the world. 426 00:22:46,068 --> 00:22:47,168 Be proud! 427 00:22:48,666 --> 00:22:51,062 Did I ever tell you that I believe to have taken your legs? 428 00:22:51,072 --> 00:22:52,716 - Bedilia... - What is it? 429 00:22:52,726 --> 00:22:54,176 Listen to me, sweetie... 430 00:22:54,186 --> 00:22:57,336 You are a young woman very interesting and unique. 431 00:22:57,782 --> 00:22:59,932 I would almost dare say that you are... 432 00:22:59,962 --> 00:23:01,413 incredibly cool. 433 00:23:01,423 --> 00:23:03,023 Apple... Tree, dad. 434 00:23:03,053 --> 00:23:04,053 No. 435 00:23:04,083 --> 00:23:05,083 Enough. 436 00:23:05,113 --> 00:23:08,743 What you need to do is pass the time with people your age. 437 00:23:08,753 --> 00:23:11,761 Teenagers don't pass the time with parents and do you know why? 438 00:23:11,771 --> 00:23:13,948 Because parents are losers. 439 00:23:13,958 --> 00:23:15,505 What are you trying to say? 440 00:23:15,515 --> 00:23:16,515 Darling... 441 00:23:16,832 --> 00:23:17,832 look at me. 442 00:23:18,030 --> 00:23:20,681 - Look at my shorts. - Yes... 443 00:23:20,711 --> 00:23:25,061 - the classic JC Penney shorts. - I wear sandals with socks! 444 00:23:25,290 --> 00:23:28,192 - There are nettles and you're so sensitive... - That's not the point. 445 00:23:28,202 --> 00:23:29,852 That's not the point. 446 00:23:29,882 --> 00:23:34,232 I want you to start having fun, to make mistakes and be an idiot and not... 447 00:23:34,352 --> 00:23:35,802 with me, do you understand me? 448 00:23:36,385 --> 00:23:37,535 I think so. 449 00:23:37,709 --> 00:23:39,741 - Loud and clear, boss. - I'm sorry to interrupt, 450 00:23:39,751 --> 00:23:43,373 can I use the phone? It seems to me an excellent opportunity to hear from mine. 451 00:23:43,383 --> 00:23:45,733 - Let him know I'm fine. - Wow! 452 00:23:45,820 --> 00:23:48,407 - He's super thoughtful. - It only takes two seconds 453 00:23:48,417 --> 00:23:52,217 - to save him a lot of worries. - So many worries. 454 00:23:52,557 --> 00:23:53,557 Wow! 455 00:23:54,618 --> 00:23:56,560 Courtesy is contagious, huh? 456 00:23:56,570 --> 00:23:59,249 Hey dad, do you mind if I go to show him where the phone is? 457 00:23:59,259 --> 00:24:01,972 There's nothing I like it would make you happier. 458 00:24:01,982 --> 00:24:02,982 Let's go! 459 00:24:03,246 --> 00:24:06,789 If you play your cards right, I'll make you peek at my parents' wedding photos. 460 00:24:06,799 --> 00:24:07,799 Center! 461 00:24:13,178 --> 00:24:15,516 Hi, I'm Sally Field. 462 00:24:15,924 --> 00:24:19,724 I want to talk to you about a problem that many women face. 463 00:24:20,089 --> 00:24:21,390 Osteoporosis. 464 00:24:21,557 --> 00:24:23,285 Even if you don't have it now, 465 00:24:23,295 --> 00:24:27,215 no matter how old you are, all women are by nature weak 466 00:24:27,225 --> 00:24:29,034 and very fragile... 467 00:24:29,064 --> 00:24:32,639 You only have this body and only this life. 468 00:24:32,826 --> 00:24:34,876 You have to take care of it now. 469 00:24:36,965 --> 00:24:38,519 Are you interested now? 470 00:24:38,529 --> 00:24:40,821 This is why Preniva exists, 471 00:24:40,843 --> 00:24:44,127 There can't be anything wrong in you to take Preniva. 472 00:24:44,137 --> 00:24:46,037 You just have to be scared. 473 00:24:46,088 --> 00:24:47,352 Which you should be. 474 00:24:47,612 --> 00:24:49,955 Preniva do yes that you can continue to perform 475 00:24:49,965 --> 00:24:53,249 your light activities favorite daily newspapers, 476 00:24:53,474 --> 00:24:55,474 like, for example, doing yoga... 477 00:24:55,539 --> 00:24:57,441 water the plants... 478 00:24:57,804 --> 00:25:00,104 fan out your magazines... 479 00:25:00,918 --> 00:25:05,418 swallow pills for other things with which the doctor scared you... 480 00:25:05,742 --> 00:25:07,392 and wear bangs! 481 00:25:08,699 --> 00:25:11,248 Preniva will not solve all your problems... 482 00:25:11,258 --> 00:25:12,944 you will always remain a woman. 483 00:25:13,003 --> 00:25:15,353 This is the female spine. 484 00:25:15,518 --> 00:25:18,418 And this is your plug dorsal without Preniva. 485 00:25:20,485 --> 00:25:22,592 I'm not kidding you. 486 00:25:22,602 --> 00:25:25,561 Preniva. Yours weakness is our strength. 487 00:25:28,971 --> 00:25:30,452 Well, hello! 488 00:25:30,785 --> 00:25:32,226 I'm Grady Wilson. 489 00:25:32,285 --> 00:25:34,060 Let me do it for you a personal question: 490 00:25:34,090 --> 00:25:36,164 How's your wedding going? And, precisely... 491 00:25:36,174 --> 00:25:37,987 How are things in the bedroom? 492 00:25:37,997 --> 00:25:40,252 Well, if the answer is "Unsatisfactory", 493 00:25:40,262 --> 00:25:41,723 maybe you need a little help. 494 00:25:41,753 --> 00:25:45,071 Recently, I received a coupon for one cruise for seniors in the Mediterranean, 495 00:25:45,081 --> 00:25:47,022 and I'm back with this! 496 00:25:47,205 --> 00:25:50,105 Intimate and international affairs by Grady Wilson. 497 00:25:50,558 --> 00:25:55,923 This DVD contains a collection of mine personal love techniques from around the world. 498 00:25:56,332 --> 00:25:57,557 Techniques like... 499 00:25:57,567 --> 00:25:58,508 the "Earth!" 500 00:25:58,518 --> 00:26:02,096 Ok, now, for this one, assume the bearer's pose, 501 00:26:02,126 --> 00:26:04,462 Ride the wave a little and... 502 00:26:04,648 --> 00:26:06,550 "Earth-ra!" 503 00:26:07,139 --> 00:26:08,697 "Earth!" 504 00:26:09,732 --> 00:26:10,899 "Earth!" 505 00:26:11,683 --> 00:26:12,766 The "Sushi Bar" 506 00:26:12,776 --> 00:26:16,126 Okay, now, for this one you have to make sure you serve everyone. 507 00:26:16,647 --> 00:26:17,797 "Here she goes!" 508 00:26:18,235 --> 00:26:19,385 "Here she goes!" 509 00:26:19,784 --> 00:26:21,184 "Happy birthday!" 510 00:26:21,558 --> 00:26:22,989 “Here you go, Grandma!” 511 00:26:22,999 --> 00:26:24,176 The "Why me, Lord?" 512 00:26:24,206 --> 00:26:27,235 Ok, for this you have to get in begging position, okay? 513 00:26:27,245 --> 00:26:28,674 And simply... 514 00:26:29,017 --> 00:26:31,380 "Why me, Lord?" 515 00:26:31,919 --> 00:26:33,851 "Why me, Lord?" 516 00:26:36,004 --> 00:26:37,494 And "Jaws" 517 00:26:45,131 --> 00:26:48,199 And if you're curious to know how it looks discovered these incredible techniques, 518 00:26:48,209 --> 00:26:51,311 let's say I'm about to offer you a bit of international flavour. 519 00:26:51,321 --> 00:26:54,071 His name is Kostas, and it comes from Greece! 520 00:26:55,165 --> 00:26:58,044 - Hey, yassu! - Yassu, yassu! 521 00:26:58,074 --> 00:27:00,662 Kostas and I met in cruise when we received 522 00:27:00,672 --> 00:27:03,609 the same written complaint from the cleaning lady. 523 00:27:03,619 --> 00:27:05,969 Life tastes better if it's spicy. 524 00:27:06,276 --> 00:27:07,609 That's what I learned. 525 00:27:07,619 --> 00:27:10,090 And Kostas has some too personal love techniques 526 00:27:10,100 --> 00:27:12,550 that will shock you. Techniques like... 527 00:27:13,066 --> 00:27:16,105 the "Taps control"! Yes, maybe the water is too hot! 528 00:27:16,115 --> 00:27:17,890 No? Too cold? 529 00:27:18,648 --> 00:27:20,070 Yes, too cold... 530 00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:21,080 Oh, yes... 531 00:27:23,628 --> 00:27:25,991 - the "Facebook"! - I like it. I like. 532 00:27:26,001 --> 00:27:27,801 I like. Oh, poke for you! 533 00:27:30,653 --> 00:27:31,753 Poke for you! 534 00:27:32,172 --> 00:27:33,272 Poke for you! 535 00:27:33,319 --> 00:27:35,535 Pokes! Pokes! Pokes! Pokes! 536 00:27:36,025 --> 00:27:37,035 And the "Naughty Donkey"! 537 00:27:37,065 --> 00:27:39,845 Grab the donkey with both hands and... 538 00:27:40,865 --> 00:27:42,165 Naughty donkey! 539 00:27:42,551 --> 00:27:44,051 Oh, naughty donkey! 540 00:27:44,904 --> 00:27:46,398 Ah, naughty donkey! 541 00:27:49,492 --> 00:27:51,070 And that wasn't a donkey! 542 00:27:51,080 --> 00:27:53,380 And, if you're feeling really daring... 543 00:27:53,673 --> 00:27:57,223 Kostas and I will show you some techniques for group things! 544 00:27:57,941 --> 00:28:00,941 Because, sometimes, It's too much fun, right? 545 00:28:01,735 --> 00:28:03,245 Certain! Here you go... 546 00:28:03,810 --> 00:28:05,160 the "Heels"! 547 00:28:05,212 --> 00:28:09,280 Ok, for this one, line up facing each other to the other, put your partner in the center, and... 548 00:28:09,290 --> 00:28:10,290 Heel! 549 00:28:14,526 --> 00:28:15,526 The "Panini"! 550 00:28:15,536 --> 00:28:18,554 Okay, now, for this one, put yourselves on about a meter away 551 00:28:18,564 --> 00:28:20,476 put your partner in the middle and... 552 00:28:20,486 --> 00:28:23,036 553 00:28:24,021 --> 00:28:26,571 554 00:28:28,536 --> 00:28:30,055 The "Groundhog Festival"! 555 00:28:30,065 --> 00:28:32,311 It's February 2nd... 556 00:28:32,418 --> 00:28:33,818 I see my shadow! 557 00:28:34,847 --> 00:28:36,647 It's still February 2nd... 558 00:28:37,062 --> 00:28:38,316 I see my shadow! 559 00:28:38,994 --> 00:28:40,710 It's still February 2nd! 560 00:28:41,755 --> 00:28:42,921 There are no shadows! 561 00:28:44,784 --> 00:28:47,257 And this is too strange a menage a! 562 00:28:47,267 --> 00:28:49,189 - Oh, how cute! - Yes, how cute... 563 00:28:49,199 --> 00:28:52,309 Then call now to receive "Business intimate and international by Grady Wilson", 564 00:28:52,319 --> 00:28:55,419 and you will have your passport for a happy marriage. 565 00:29:15,942 --> 00:29:18,942 Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers! 566 00:33:23,739 --> 00:33:26,592 Weekend Update with Seth Meyers! 567 00:33:30,912 --> 00:33:33,745 I'm Seth Meyers and these are the cover stories of 'tonight. 568 00:33:34,799 --> 00:33:37,535 Congressional committee on Tuesday listened to the testimonies, 569 00:33:37,545 --> 00:33:40,894 regarding the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, of the executives 570 00:33:40,904 --> 00:33:43,154 of BP, Transocean and Halliburton, 571 00:33:43,405 --> 00:33:44,649 otherwise known as 572 00:33:44,659 --> 00:33:47,021 Thanks, Graziella, and Thanks Fuck. 573 00:33:49,420 --> 00:33:53,200 Sunday BP thought, being useless the containment dome, to launch debris 574 00:33:53,210 --> 00:33:56,857 such as used tires and golf balls in blowout preventer tanks, 575 00:33:56,867 --> 00:33:59,230 in an attempt to clog them and stop the leak. 576 00:33:59,240 --> 00:34:02,018 However, you know what blocks one discharge better than a golf ball? 577 00:34:02,028 --> 00:34:03,478 Virtually everything. 578 00:34:04,807 --> 00:34:07,826 I'll tell you, when rich people provide some golf balls as a solution to a problem, 579 00:34:07,856 --> 00:34:12,411 you know they look around the room, naming things like in "The Usual Suspects". 580 00:34:12,421 --> 00:34:14,529 Oh, I know what to try next time! 581 00:34:14,539 --> 00:34:15,739 Golden cufflinks! 582 00:34:17,299 --> 00:34:21,525 President Obama made the nomination Monday Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan, 583 00:34:21,535 --> 00:34:24,491 which will therefore be the third New Yorker on the pitch. 584 00:34:24,521 --> 00:34:25,659 Nothing to object to. 585 00:34:25,669 --> 00:34:29,719 The problem arises when there are five New Yorkers to take the field. 586 00:34:34,672 --> 00:34:36,622 With LeBron, everything would change. 587 00:34:37,348 --> 00:34:41,213 Spirit Airlines announced this week who is installing new seats on airplanes, 588 00:34:41,223 --> 00:34:44,850 who cannot recline because already inclined by eight centimetres, 589 00:34:44,860 --> 00:34:47,610 The problem is that they are lean forward. 590 00:34:51,071 --> 00:34:54,336 The cast of the flagship program “Jersey Shore,” is now filming 591 00:34:54,346 --> 00:34:57,029 the second season in Miami. He's here with us to talk about it... 592 00:34:57,012 --> 00:34:58,298 the light of my eyes, 593 00:34:58,308 --> 00:34:59,447 honey in my tea, 594 00:34:59,457 --> 00:35:00,457 Snooki. 595 00:35:04,486 --> 00:35:06,506 Hello, Seth Meyers. 596 00:35:06,536 --> 00:35:10,083 Hello, America. It's me, your Snooki. 597 00:35:15,286 --> 00:35:17,083 Briefly, to you at home, 598 00:35:17,430 --> 00:35:19,471 don't get comfortable. 599 00:35:21,429 --> 00:35:24,329 So, Snooki, you are excited for this summer? 600 00:35:24,695 --> 00:35:28,817 Obviously, summer is like vacation of spring of the seasons. 601 00:35:33,527 --> 00:35:36,344 For real. So Snooki, do you like Miami? 602 00:35:36,374 --> 00:35:38,874 Honestly, I hate it. 603 00:35:38,904 --> 00:35:42,159 You know what the first product is exported from Florida? 604 00:35:42,189 --> 00:35:43,582 The oranges. 605 00:35:43,612 --> 00:35:46,798 People continue to confuse us. 606 00:35:46,828 --> 00:35:49,971 A sailor tried to kiss me. 607 00:35:50,001 --> 00:35:52,104 I was really convinced was the right one, 608 00:35:52,114 --> 00:35:56,687 but then I found out he thought he had it scurvy and only wanted me for the vitamins. 609 00:35:57,206 --> 00:36:01,204 - Then he was a sailor from another era. - Yeah, like 200 years ago. 610 00:36:02,217 --> 00:36:04,967 It's not easy to be this color, Seth. 611 00:36:04,982 --> 00:36:08,135 You know, sometimes I get confused myself. 612 00:36:08,165 --> 00:36:10,647 The other day I was away I was on my terrace 613 00:36:10,657 --> 00:36:14,423 to watch some pumps and to eat cheese fries, 614 00:36:14,453 --> 00:36:17,586 and I accidentally bit off two of my fingers. 615 00:36:19,221 --> 00:36:22,935 - It's terrifying. - But I'm joking, Seth. 616 00:36:22,965 --> 00:36:25,139 I only ate one. 617 00:36:26,333 --> 00:36:28,830 Snooki, the first season it was a national case, 618 00:36:28,840 --> 00:36:30,802 what can we expect from the second one? 619 00:36:30,812 --> 00:36:34,829 Man, it's going to be very very better than the first. 620 00:36:34,859 --> 00:36:38,859 I am convinced that we are pioneers in an unexplored territory. 621 00:36:39,132 --> 00:36:41,315 I mean, last season they were there 622 00:36:41,325 --> 00:36:43,825 boys who took punching other kids, 623 00:36:43,835 --> 00:36:46,499 girls who took punching other girls, 624 00:36:46,509 --> 00:36:49,300 boys who took punch girls... 625 00:36:54,122 --> 00:36:56,877 - Sorry, what's new? - Oh, this season 626 00:36:56,887 --> 00:36:59,489 there's again that I wear these. 627 00:37:04,147 --> 00:37:07,097 Please, please, please don't ever leave me. 628 00:37:08,392 --> 00:37:10,780 Snooki, do you have any other plans for the summer? 629 00:37:10,810 --> 00:37:13,885 You know, Seth, I really want to find the right man. 630 00:37:13,915 --> 00:37:18,026 But it's hard, because it ends always like in Cinderella. 631 00:37:18,056 --> 00:37:20,372 - Isn't that a good thing? - No, 632 00:37:20,402 --> 00:37:23,951 because at midnight, when the magic of alcohol fades, 633 00:37:23,981 --> 00:37:28,331 they get angry when they notice having ridden the pumpkin all the time. 634 00:37:33,015 --> 00:37:35,765 - Did you see that stuff? - Ok, ok, I got it. 635 00:37:36,178 --> 00:37:39,578 Well, I'm sorry, I think you are a really sweet girl. 636 00:37:42,213 --> 00:37:44,478 Come on, Seth. For old times' sake. 637 00:37:44,488 --> 00:37:47,397 - Ok, do you promise to yell at me? - Certain. 638 00:37:47,427 --> 00:37:51,077 Hey, be careful. There's mine damn brain in there. 639 00:37:52,826 --> 00:37:55,275 Snooki, I hope you never change. 640 00:37:55,305 --> 00:37:57,051 Oh, Seth... 641 00:37:57,081 --> 00:38:00,092 come on, you know you can call me DC. 642 00:38:01,061 --> 00:38:05,000 I think there's a story below. What does DC stand for? 643 00:38:05,030 --> 00:38:06,857 Prisoner uniform. 644 00:38:06,887 --> 00:38:09,632 Ok, I'm still following you. Why'? 645 00:38:09,662 --> 00:38:12,729 Because I'm bright orange, and once you have me on you, 646 00:38:12,739 --> 00:38:17,139 you begin to reflect on the decisions that you took to get to that point. 647 00:38:21,802 --> 00:38:23,267 Snooki, people! 648 00:38:24,243 --> 00:38:27,060 Enjoy this summer, truly. Thanks, Snooki. 649 00:38:32,753 --> 00:38:35,353 It hurts the eyes when you're close to her. 650 00:38:38,024 --> 00:38:43,657 A company in England sells colonies of pubic lice to be released on ex-lovers. 651 00:38:43,687 --> 00:38:47,187 It's the best way to say: "You were right to leave me." 652 00:38:48,984 --> 00:38:53,392 An alpaca farmer in Pennsylvania he shaves the wool of his flock and gives it away, 653 00:38:53,402 --> 00:38:56,045 for it to be used for drying get the oil out of the gulf. 654 00:38:56,055 --> 00:38:59,805 "Yes, of course, he's the hero", said his trembling alpacas. 655 00:39:01,947 --> 00:39:04,987 Emergency services brigade and ambulances complain about the fact 656 00:39:04,997 --> 00:39:08,416 that more and more aspirants are overweight and out of shape, 657 00:39:08,446 --> 00:39:11,885 so they ask that if you have a heart attack on a higher floor than the second, 658 00:39:11,895 --> 00:39:14,745 you have to try to roll down the stairs. 659 00:39:16,843 --> 00:39:20,231 Despite the latest fears for the safety, millions of tourists are expected 660 00:39:20,241 --> 00:39:21,669 in New York this summer. 661 00:39:21,679 --> 00:39:25,138 Here is some advice for foreigners from our correspondent in the city, 662 00:39:25,148 --> 00:39:26,404 Stefon. 663 00:39:38,529 --> 00:39:39,929 - Greetings. - Greetings. 664 00:39:40,815 --> 00:39:43,183 - Stefon, are you okay? - Very good, 665 00:39:43,213 --> 00:39:45,917 except that I've been around for three days. 666 00:39:46,489 --> 00:39:48,989 Stefon, last time you were here 667 00:39:49,101 --> 00:39:51,754 you ended up recommending some truly special places, 668 00:39:51,764 --> 00:39:54,223 and I hope that tonight you do something different. 669 00:39:54,233 --> 00:39:56,627 Yes, yes, definitely "different", we agree. 670 00:39:57,709 --> 00:40:01,055 Perfect, then... Stefon, let's say someone's in town for the weekend, 671 00:40:01,065 --> 00:40:02,862 and you want to have fun, 672 00:40:02,892 --> 00:40:04,372 here, where should it go? 673 00:40:04,382 --> 00:40:06,236 If you're looking for fun, look here. 674 00:40:06,246 --> 00:40:08,848 The hottest club in New York is the "Slice". 675 00:40:08,858 --> 00:40:12,563 The organizer Gay Liotta is came back, and this time it's... 676 00:40:12,593 --> 00:40:14,400 out of your mind. 677 00:40:16,100 --> 00:40:19,325 Come and enjoy one party with handsome men, 678 00:40:19,355 --> 00:40:22,365 gypsies, adult men dressed as weddings, 679 00:40:22,395 --> 00:40:24,495 a cat that came out of a "bodega", 680 00:40:25,009 --> 00:40:26,825 disguised puppets... 681 00:40:27,029 --> 00:40:29,172 Wait, sorry... puppets in disguise? 682 00:40:29,182 --> 00:40:31,907 Yeah, it's kind of like when Alf... 683 00:40:32,376 --> 00:40:35,676 he put on a raincoat to go among the public. 684 00:40:38,896 --> 00:40:40,570 - Oh, sure. - Yes'? 685 00:40:40,600 --> 00:40:42,264 It happens all the time. 686 00:40:42,774 --> 00:40:46,345 Stefon, I'm sure whoever it is interested in that kind of thing, 687 00:40:46,355 --> 00:40:48,898 He's going to pop over to the Slice, but I... 688 00:40:49,918 --> 00:40:54,081 but I, and I think everyone present, were looking something that expressed the culture of NY, 689 00:40:54,091 --> 00:40:56,891 - like the Met, or the Guggenheim. - Guggenheim. 690 00:40:57,561 --> 00:40:59,070 - Do you have something like that? - Yes'. 691 00:40:59,080 --> 00:41:00,621 OK perfect. Let's hear it. 692 00:41:00,631 --> 00:41:03,265 The hottest club in New York is the "Taste". 693 00:41:03,275 --> 00:41:05,575 The nightlife guru Tranny Griffith is back 694 00:41:05,585 --> 00:41:07,983 with a whole new club which answers the question: 695 00:41:07,993 --> 00:41:09,127 "Huh?" 696 00:41:10,821 --> 00:41:12,940 Don't look for a bouncer, he isn't there. 697 00:41:12,950 --> 00:41:16,125 In their place, revenue is guarded by 10 excited homeless people 698 00:41:16,135 --> 00:41:18,335 in old-fashioned bathing suits. 699 00:41:20,549 --> 00:41:23,179 And it's scary inside! Ice sculptures, 700 00:41:23,189 --> 00:41:25,277 drunkards, "duds"... 701 00:41:26,281 --> 00:41:28,331 - "Teduffi"? - German Smurfs. 702 00:41:30,098 --> 00:41:31,148 Obviously. 703 00:41:31,170 --> 00:41:33,332 A "Teddy Ruxpin" with mascara, 704 00:41:34,221 --> 00:41:37,171 An old lady with very teased hair, 705 00:41:37,361 --> 00:41:40,061 and the only and inimitable "Dj Baby Bok Choi"! 706 00:41:41,108 --> 00:41:44,037 Stefon... who is "Dj... Baby Bok Choi"? 707 00:41:44,067 --> 00:41:47,079 He's a Chinese child 130 kilo giant, 708 00:41:47,511 --> 00:41:49,935 wearing glasses greyish like an aviator, 709 00:41:49,945 --> 00:41:51,727 and spin the records... 710 00:41:51,757 --> 00:41:54,078 with her little ones... ravioli-shaped hands. 711 00:41:58,552 --> 00:42:00,302 Stefon... first of all. 712 00:42:00,937 --> 00:42:03,180 - No, you're doing well. You're doing well. - Okay. 713 00:42:03,190 --> 00:42:05,190 But I need you to... you know... 714 00:42:05,387 --> 00:42:08,384 I need you to help me, or at least that do something in between, because I need it 715 00:42:08,394 --> 00:42:09,773 - of normal seats. - Yes'. 716 00:42:09,783 --> 00:42:11,582 In particular, places where 717 00:42:11,592 --> 00:42:13,120 - families can go. - Great. 718 00:42:13,150 --> 00:42:15,206 So really, you have a available the entire city. 719 00:42:15,216 --> 00:42:16,657 - New York City! - Yes'. 720 00:42:16,667 --> 00:42:18,553 So... if you can tell us you know, 721 00:42:18,563 --> 00:42:20,882 - tell us about places that are appropriate... - Appropriate! 722 00:42:20,892 --> 00:42:22,383 - For, let's say, mothers... - Mommies... 723 00:42:22,413 --> 00:42:23,435 - Dad... - Daddy... 724 00:42:23,465 --> 00:42:25,165 - Children... - Children! 725 00:42:25,317 --> 00:42:28,078 And you know, if there are places for people like that! 726 00:42:28,107 --> 00:42:31,194 Yes'! The coolest place from New York is "Slash"! 727 00:42:31,915 --> 00:42:33,652 This place has it all: 728 00:42:33,682 --> 00:42:35,962 glass, steam, bear traps... 729 00:42:35,992 --> 00:42:38,677 and just when you think fun is over, "knock knock, who is it?" 730 00:42:38,687 --> 00:42:40,487 It's black George Washington! 731 00:42:41,515 --> 00:42:45,065 All this, and a full party of "human bath mats". 732 00:42:50,365 --> 00:42:51,830 What is a human bath mat? 733 00:42:51,840 --> 00:42:54,307 It's that thing when the dwarves... 734 00:42:54,570 --> 00:42:58,220 they have dreadlocks, and they lie down with face towards the floor! 735 00:43:09,347 --> 00:43:12,062 - Let's try to end it here. Stefon... - Please. 736 00:43:12,072 --> 00:43:15,141 Stefon, we asked you to tell us... 737 00:43:15,171 --> 00:43:18,171 some place to have fun in the summer in New York. 738 00:43:18,333 --> 00:43:20,604 And then... and then you came here... 739 00:43:20,960 --> 00:43:24,699 I summarize what happened: you came here, and you told us things... 740 00:43:24,709 --> 00:43:26,426 which seem... um... 741 00:43:26,456 --> 00:43:28,502 nightmares of a meth addict! 742 00:43:28,512 --> 00:43:30,080 Precisely! 743 00:43:31,045 --> 00:43:32,045 But... 744 00:43:32,434 --> 00:43:35,957 I have to say Stefon, who I know you want sincerely let people have fun, 745 00:43:35,967 --> 00:43:37,730 so I promote you! 746 00:43:37,760 --> 00:43:38,994 Yay, Stefon! 747 00:43:39,024 --> 00:43:40,224 Stefon, people! 748 00:43:51,977 --> 00:43:54,776 Actor Danny Glover, who gave the speech at the graduation ceremony 749 00:43:54,786 --> 00:43:58,119 at Utah State University Sunday, he was booed by the crowd 750 00:43:58,129 --> 00:44:01,471 when he didn't put his hand on the heart during the national anthem. 751 00:44:01,481 --> 00:44:06,481 Glover said he would, but every every time he does, someone calls an ambulance. 752 00:44:08,521 --> 00:44:10,774 A man and a woman in Russia they want to get married 753 00:44:10,784 --> 00:44:13,048 after they met and lovers on a bridge 754 00:44:13,058 --> 00:44:15,818 from which they had decided separately decided to commit suicide. 755 00:44:15,828 --> 00:44:19,578 So, good luck with the Cheers, groomsmen! 756 00:44:22,471 --> 00:44:24,936 Well, summer is just around the corner. 757 00:44:24,946 --> 00:44:27,485 I'm here to promote the they turnee' outdoors, 758 00:44:27,495 --> 00:44:29,645 the musical duet Garth and Kat. 759 00:44:37,641 --> 00:44:38,641 Oh, hello! 760 00:44:39,134 --> 00:44:40,187 Hello, we are here! 761 00:44:40,197 --> 00:44:43,375 Sorry for the delay, here we go literally just woke up. 762 00:44:43,385 --> 00:44:45,140 It's a little late for a nap, isn't it? 763 00:44:45,150 --> 00:44:47,050 Ah, we sleep 20 hours a night. 764 00:44:47,810 --> 00:44:50,488 For a moment I thought you were there forget about having to come here. 765 00:44:50,498 --> 00:44:52,236 - What? No! - Not at all, not at all, 766 00:44:52,246 --> 00:44:54,283 - not at all. - No, let's wait for this moment 767 00:44:54,293 --> 00:44:55,543 for a long time. 768 00:44:55,763 --> 00:44:57,866 - Yes'. And we are prepared! - Yes'. 769 00:44:57,876 --> 00:45:01,163 Okay. So, what should they expect people from your summer tour? 770 00:45:01,173 --> 00:45:04,130 - Um... summer music, of the summer. - Songs about the summer season, 771 00:45:04,140 --> 00:45:06,741 - songs already written, all... - All songs already written, 772 00:45:06,751 --> 00:45:09,436 - They have verses, choruses, and endings, and... - Rows... stored... 773 00:45:09,446 --> 00:45:11,810 Good, good! It looks great! 774 00:45:12,082 --> 00:45:14,121 Why don't you give us a taste? 775 00:45:14,131 --> 00:45:16,581 - Of course, absolutely! - Rightly so! 776 00:45:17,099 --> 00:45:19,681 This one... will become a classic... 777 00:45:21,869 --> 00:45:26,869 volleyball on your beach! 778 00:45:27,054 --> 00:45:28,650 779 00:45:28,660 --> 00:45:33,052 volleyball on your beach! 780 00:45:33,418 --> 00:45:35,869 781 00:45:36,545 --> 00:45:40,752 And don't throw us off the beach! 782 00:45:40,912 --> 00:45:45,912 783 00:45:46,338 --> 00:45:50,411 off our beach! 784 00:45:50,441 --> 00:45:52,141 Stop, stop, stop. No. 785 00:45:54,599 --> 00:45:55,599 Fermi. 786 00:45:57,716 --> 00:46:00,066 This wasn't... this wasn't written. 787 00:46:00,890 --> 00:46:01,890 You know it. 788 00:46:02,477 --> 00:46:04,227 You just made it up. 789 00:46:04,608 --> 00:46:08,508 - Screwed! We were teasing you! - You're screwed, we were kidding you! 790 00:46:09,527 --> 00:46:11,904 - Oh, god! - Your face is amazing, you're like... 791 00:46:11,914 --> 00:46:14,664 "What? Wait a minute! Guys, stop!" 792 00:46:16,450 --> 00:46:18,572 The next one... it's a real song. 793 00:46:18,582 --> 00:46:21,032 And in truth, it was composed by a famous person 794 00:46:21,042 --> 00:46:23,078 - singer-songwriter. - Really, who? 795 00:46:23,346 --> 00:46:25,796 - Glenn Katrolst! - Glenn... Katrolst. 796 00:46:27,327 --> 00:46:29,777 - Glenn... Katrolst? - Glenn Katrolst. 797 00:46:30,876 --> 00:46:33,226 He wrote this, and it's called... 798 00:46:33,471 --> 00:46:38,356 “The messed up blues of lobster and crab"! 799 00:46:40,112 --> 00:46:43,066 “The messed up blues of lobster and crab"! 800 00:46:43,990 --> 00:46:46,309 801 00:46:50,882 --> 00:46:52,084 802 00:46:52,114 --> 00:46:56,064 looking for a seahorse 803 00:46:57,859 --> 00:47:00,366 804 00:47:00,611 --> 00:47:03,560 805 00:47:03,590 --> 00:47:06,240 806 00:47:07,685 --> 00:47:10,397 Like in the 50s! 807 00:47:10,427 --> 00:47:13,102 - - Ok, I'll stop you guys. 808 00:47:13,112 --> 00:47:15,731 I'm stopping you... I'm stopping you guys before you say... 809 00:47:15,741 --> 00:47:18,412 "Like in the 50s" again. But you... 810 00:47:19,436 --> 00:47:21,737 Do you at least have any concerts scheduled? 811 00:47:21,747 --> 00:47:24,019 - Yes, actually yes! We'll do a - Yes, we will do a live concert. 812 00:47:24,049 --> 00:47:25,785 Concert at... 813 00:47:25,815 --> 00:47:27,635 - At... are... arena... - Al... huh? Arena... 814 00:47:27,645 --> 00:47:30,191 - To the arena... for the amphitheater of the - Arena... amphitheatre... of... 815 00:47:30,201 --> 00:47:34,218 - games, summer fun at the park! - Games, summer fun at the park! 816 00:47:34,228 --> 00:47:38,428 To the arena... for the amphitheater of games, some summer fun at the park! 817 00:47:42,241 --> 00:47:44,392 Once again... and not take this the wrong way. 818 00:47:44,402 --> 00:47:47,021 Once again not you have prepared nothing. 819 00:47:47,031 --> 00:47:48,631 I'm embarrassed... 820 00:47:49,269 --> 00:47:52,356 - Are you embarrassed? - I'm embarrassed. Why are you here? 821 00:47:52,366 --> 00:47:55,322 Because... we were trying to make it, Seth. 822 00:47:55,970 --> 00:47:57,970 We're begging you, sir. 823 00:48:02,465 --> 00:48:04,681 We came all the way here from Epcot. 824 00:48:05,010 --> 00:48:06,210 I thought that... 825 00:48:09,470 --> 00:48:11,246 I thought you just woke up! 826 00:48:11,256 --> 00:48:14,166 We were sleeping while we were driving, but don't tell the police! 827 00:48:14,176 --> 00:48:16,015 - Let us sing one more! - 20 more, 828 00:48:16,025 --> 00:48:17,785 - 20 more! - No, one! One more. 829 00:48:17,795 --> 00:48:19,850 - Okay. Okay. - OK thank you. And this one will also have music. 830 00:48:19,880 --> 00:48:21,330 Yes'. Let her go! 831 00:48:22,199 --> 00:48:25,507 832 00:48:25,537 --> 00:48:28,212 833 00:48:28,242 --> 00:48:30,354 - I like this one, guys! - 834 00:48:30,384 --> 00:48:34,196 835 00:48:34,206 --> 00:48:35,542 836 00:48:35,552 --> 00:48:36,802 837 00:48:36,890 --> 00:48:38,717 838 00:48:38,727 --> 00:48:40,160 839 00:48:40,170 --> 00:48:42,046 840 00:48:42,056 --> 00:48:44,875 841 00:48:44,905 --> 00:48:47,798 842 00:48:47,828 --> 00:48:50,608 843 00:48:50,638 --> 00:48:53,254 844 00:48:53,284 --> 00:48:55,143 Friends, Garth and Kat! 845 00:48:55,478 --> 00:48:57,728 Garth and Kat, with a new song! 846 00:48:59,109 --> 00:49:03,359 Weekend Update, I'm Seth Meyers! Have a good summer, goodnight! 847 00:49:19,681 --> 00:49:23,931 Following a paid commercial of "Time-Wave Oven" by Graham Lampton. 848 00:49:24,562 --> 00:49:26,412 Hi, I'm Graham Lampton. 849 00:49:26,498 --> 00:49:30,399 And I'm the two-time runner-up a Miss Indiana, Penny Schmear. 850 00:49:30,409 --> 00:49:31,840 Hi Graham, nice to see you. 851 00:49:31,870 --> 00:49:34,033 It's my pleasure to be here, Penny. 852 00:49:34,043 --> 00:49:36,930 Guys, today we have a special treatment for you. 853 00:49:36,940 --> 00:49:38,640 You can say it loud, Penny. 854 00:49:38,688 --> 00:49:41,375 You know, nowadays everyone is moving in a hurry, 855 00:49:41,385 --> 00:49:44,815 and the last thing we need is to waste the time waiting to be able to eat. 856 00:49:45,430 --> 00:49:46,600 What do you mean? 857 00:49:46,610 --> 00:49:48,992 You know how it's usually done, take the food out of the freezer, 858 00:49:49,002 --> 00:49:51,817 you put it in a microwave, wait 2 minutes, turn it over, 859 00:49:51,827 --> 00:49:54,024 you put it back in, wait another 2 minutes. 860 00:49:54,531 --> 00:49:56,249 Well, I'd say it's a nightmare! 861 00:49:56,259 --> 00:49:57,762 You can say it loud, Penny. 862 00:49:57,772 --> 00:50:00,822 That's why I invented it the "Time-Wave Furnace". 863 00:50:01,905 --> 00:50:04,192 - "Time-wave oven"? - Exact. 864 00:50:01,995 --> 00:50:05,570 { 6}WAVE-TIME OVEN 865 00:50:04,222 --> 00:50:07,540 The "time-wave oven" is the only microwave capable of 866 00:50:07,550 --> 00:50:09,189 travel in time. 867 00:50:09,348 --> 00:50:10,432 And how does it work? 868 00:50:10,442 --> 00:50:13,082 It's simple. I'm hungry now. 869 00:50:13,112 --> 00:50:15,350 So I just open the my "time-wave oven"... 870 00:50:15,360 --> 00:50:16,360 and... 871 00:50:17,231 --> 00:50:18,231 voila! 872 00:50:18,261 --> 00:50:21,846 My roast beef dinner It's waiting for me and it's hot! 873 00:50:23,626 --> 00:50:24,881 It looks delicious! 874 00:50:24,891 --> 00:50:26,741 But where does that food come from? 875 00:50:26,953 --> 00:50:28,003 From the future! 876 00:50:28,253 --> 00:50:30,293 - Come on! - I'm serious. 877 00:50:30,592 --> 00:50:33,401 Later, when I'm done to eat roast beef, 878 00:50:33,411 --> 00:50:36,432 all I have to do is remove the roast beef from the freezer, 879 00:50:36,442 --> 00:50:39,218 stick it in the "time-wave oven" and send it back in time, 880 00:50:39,228 --> 00:50:42,717 at the precise moment I have I took out the hot dinner a little while ago. 881 00:50:42,727 --> 00:50:44,027 It seems simple! 882 00:50:44,213 --> 00:50:47,606 Now, what would happen if we forgot to send your dinner back on time? 883 00:50:47,616 --> 00:50:51,025 See Penny, in case we forgot to send back the same dinner at the precise moment, 884 00:50:51,035 --> 00:50:52,630 you would create a paradox, 885 00:50:52,640 --> 00:50:56,386 where small discrepancies might impact on the space-time continuum. 886 00:50:56,396 --> 00:50:57,446 Oh, boy. 887 00:50:58,611 --> 00:51:01,922 So wanting food that's ready instantly could it cause time paradoxes? 888 00:51:01,932 --> 00:51:04,362 I don't know, Graham, Isn't that a little too dangerous? 889 00:51:04,372 --> 00:51:05,822 It could be... 890 00:51:06,363 --> 00:51:10,333 and divergences can lie within a range ranging from insignificant to catastrophic. 891 00:51:10,343 --> 00:51:13,943 But I made sure that one something like this will never happen. 892 00:51:15,071 --> 00:51:17,808 Here, I want to know this. How did you ensure that, Graham? 893 00:51:18,105 --> 00:51:19,108 You see... 894 00:51:21,514 --> 00:51:24,506 each meal comes with a card that will remember you 895 00:51:23,515 --> 00:51:29,190 { 6}SEND ME BACK IN TIME 896 00:51:24,536 --> 00:51:27,418 that you have to put the original meal in the "Time-wave oven", 897 00:51:27,428 --> 00:51:29,186 and send it back in time. 898 00:51:33,164 --> 00:51:36,560 Now that seems safe! It seems like you've thought of everything! 899 00:51:36,797 --> 00:51:37,797 Exactly, 900 00:51:37,827 --> 00:51:40,851 and it works for people like me, you know, I always forget everything. 901 00:51:40,861 --> 00:51:43,266 "Where are the car keys? Where are my gloves?" 902 00:51:44,264 --> 00:51:48,119 Now, Graham, how do you know that your meal was sent back in time? 903 00:51:48,129 --> 00:51:49,726 After pressing the start button, 904 00:51:49,756 --> 00:51:53,276 you will feel a slight discharge electricity travel through your body. 905 00:51:53,306 --> 00:51:54,978 This is how you know it's working. 906 00:51:55,488 --> 00:51:56,847 It's truly lightning! 907 00:51:56,857 --> 00:51:59,207 Now, tell me, how is the food cooked? 908 00:51:59,359 --> 00:52:02,059 See, it's the journey into the time that cooks it. 909 00:52:02,494 --> 00:52:07,221 An explosion of cosmic radiation creates a thin wrapping around frozen food 910 00:52:07,231 --> 00:52:08,795 and, as he travels through time, 911 00:52:08,805 --> 00:52:12,881 thousands of temporal particles ad trihedral action pass through the food, 912 00:52:12,891 --> 00:52:15,805 cooking it in its own sauce. 913 00:52:15,835 --> 00:52:18,881 Here's how he creates each once a perfect dinner. 914 00:52:19,804 --> 00:52:21,154 It looks delicious! 915 00:52:22,106 --> 00:52:25,208 Remember that plate I pulled out at the beginning of the show, Gwyntyth? 916 00:52:25,755 --> 00:52:27,573 Of course I remember the dish from before. 917 00:52:27,583 --> 00:52:30,318 What we need to remember to send back in time. 918 00:52:30,328 --> 00:52:31,328 Exact. 919 00:52:32,039 --> 00:52:36,105 All I'll do is set the "Oven to time-waves" to the date and time of the extraction. 920 00:52:36,115 --> 00:52:40,865 Now I'm just going to put this dish in there of chicken and send it back in time. 921 00:52:42,383 --> 00:52:43,968 Stop a minute, Graham. 922 00:52:43,978 --> 00:52:47,778 Did you say chicken? I'm not sure, Wasn't it roast beef? 923 00:52:48,756 --> 00:52:50,406 You say? Are you sure about it? 924 00:52:50,548 --> 00:52:52,569 I'm sure not nothing bad will happen. 925 00:53:00,267 --> 00:53:04,767 We will be back soon with the "Forno a time-waves" by Gram Lampton, after this. 926 00:53:32,034 --> 00:53:34,957 Welcome back to Turner Classic Movies. I am Ben Mankiewicz, 927 00:53:34,967 --> 00:53:37,550 with the drama film of half the 1950s "Whistle, if you make it", 928 00:53:37,560 --> 00:53:40,155 which sees Preston Webb star in role of a successful businessman, 929 00:53:40,165 --> 00:53:43,687 and Merna Fontaine as the prostitute with a heart of gold. 930 00:53:43,697 --> 00:53:45,284 Good vision. 931 00:53:48,792 --> 00:53:50,192 What a lovely little place. 932 00:53:50,358 --> 00:53:52,458 You must be a big shot. 933 00:53:52,596 --> 00:53:53,741 Cute, right? 934 00:53:53,751 --> 00:53:55,934 I've never been in this hotel before. 935 00:53:55,944 --> 00:53:58,153 Come on, tell me, Mr. Businessman, 936 00:53:59,195 --> 00:54:00,918 What delights you most? 937 00:54:00,948 --> 00:54:01,983 Relax... 938 00:54:01,993 --> 00:54:03,032 Relax? 939 00:54:03,042 --> 00:54:04,653 Candy is just warming up. 940 00:54:04,663 --> 00:54:07,763 No, stop. Look, I just want to talk. 941 00:54:08,110 --> 00:54:09,110 Speak? 942 00:54:09,394 --> 00:54:12,440 That's right, I just want to get to know you, as a person. 943 00:54:12,783 --> 00:54:14,151 The money is yours. 944 00:54:14,161 --> 00:54:15,161 Tell me, 945 00:54:15,523 --> 00:54:18,084 what you wish you had done before start selling your body? 946 00:54:18,094 --> 00:54:20,304 Oh, and what is this, "20 Questions"? 947 00:54:20,314 --> 00:54:22,364 No, seriously. I would like to know. 948 00:54:22,822 --> 00:54:24,743 I don't know, it's... 949 00:54:25,685 --> 00:54:27,104 it's stupid but... 950 00:54:27,914 --> 00:54:30,634 I think I always wanted to be a dental hygienist. 951 00:54:31,562 --> 00:54:33,222 I don't find it stupid at all. 952 00:54:33,232 --> 00:54:35,862 - What is your name? - I told you, Candy. 953 00:54:35,892 --> 00:54:39,242 Ninth. Your real name, what your mother gave you. 954 00:54:39,554 --> 00:54:40,654 My mother... 955 00:54:41,164 --> 00:54:43,140 Does he know about your work? 956 00:54:43,170 --> 00:54:45,699 My mother... She lives in Nebraska. 957 00:54:46,171 --> 00:54:48,367 We haven't spoken for years. 958 00:54:48,397 --> 00:54:50,197 Maybe you should call her. 959 00:54:50,356 --> 00:54:52,467 Maybe he doesn't want to know about me. 960 00:54:52,497 --> 00:54:54,497 The curious thing about mothers... 961 00:54:54,843 --> 00:54:57,193 It's that they always answer the phone. 962 00:55:10,821 --> 00:55:11,854 Mom... 963 00:55:13,088 --> 00:55:14,288 it's me. 964 00:55:15,334 --> 00:55:16,394 Yes'... 965 00:55:16,424 --> 00:55:18,242 Yes, I miss you too. 966 00:55:19,273 --> 00:55:20,655 No, I'm fine. 967 00:55:21,471 --> 00:55:22,521 Yes, mom. 968 00:55:23,187 --> 00:55:25,037 I'll be home at Christmas. 969 00:55:28,991 --> 00:55:31,141 Who would have thought? I believe... 970 00:55:31,184 --> 00:55:33,150 I think he still loves me. 971 00:55:33,160 --> 00:55:34,633 Of course yes. 972 00:55:35,360 --> 00:55:36,374 Thank you. 973 00:55:36,874 --> 00:55:38,124 Oh, sir... 974 00:55:39,161 --> 00:55:40,361 Gertrude. 975 00:55:40,508 --> 00:55:42,108 That's my name. 976 00:55:42,715 --> 00:55:43,715 Gertrude. 977 00:55:43,875 --> 00:55:45,575 It's a really nice name. 978 00:55:46,462 --> 00:55:47,494 Thank you. 979 00:55:47,846 --> 00:55:48,896 Gertrude... 980 00:55:49,674 --> 00:55:51,124 give me a handjob. 981 00:55:57,924 --> 00:55:59,025 What? 982 00:56:00,378 --> 00:56:02,128 Give me a handjob, Gertrude. 983 00:56:04,013 --> 00:56:06,405 I do not understand. I thought he had said he wanted to talk. 984 00:56:06,415 --> 00:56:08,617 Well, yes. It's what turns me on. 985 00:56:08,627 --> 00:56:10,719 I'll do it first what a prostitute... 986 00:56:10,729 --> 00:56:14,336 tell me about your life. Then I do them call his mother, while I watch, 987 00:56:14,346 --> 00:56:16,716 so I'll let you tell me the his real name and then... 988 00:56:16,726 --> 00:56:17,747 saw. 989 00:56:18,919 --> 00:56:20,066 Yeah, yeah. 990 00:56:20,386 --> 00:56:21,800 It's disgusting! 991 00:56:22,833 --> 00:56:26,283 Well, to quote you, a prostitute: "The money is yours." 992 00:56:26,654 --> 00:56:27,765 Ok fine. 993 00:56:27,932 --> 00:56:31,308 - But I want 10 dollars up front. - I'll only give you 7.50. 994 00:56:31,318 --> 00:56:34,868 - Well, why on earth? - That call was a long distance call. 995 00:56:36,771 --> 00:56:38,885 She's a real big shot. 996 00:56:39,806 --> 00:56:40,886 Let's go. 997 00:56:43,326 --> 00:56:44,326 END 998 00:57:06,569 --> 00:57:08,623 SCHOOL FOR SHOOTERS CHOSEN QUANTICO, VIRGINIA 999 00:57:08,633 --> 00:57:10,153 All right, sissies. 1000 00:57:10,163 --> 00:57:12,260 You have been practicing for ten weeks. 1001 00:57:12,270 --> 00:57:14,364 - Do you want to be snipers? - Yes sir! 1002 00:57:14,374 --> 00:57:16,828 - Do you think you have the right requirements? - Yes sir! 1003 00:57:16,838 --> 00:57:19,655 Listen to me, then. Don't shoot... 1004 00:57:19,815 --> 00:57:22,101 until you hear me give the exact order. 1005 00:57:22,111 --> 00:57:23,648 The lives of human beings are at stake. 1006 00:57:23,658 --> 00:57:26,673 And you have to be 100% sure hundred before pulling the trigger. 1007 00:57:26,683 --> 00:57:28,839 One hundred percent. Was I clear? 1008 00:57:28,849 --> 00:57:30,168 - Yes sir! - Load your rifles! 1009 00:57:30,178 --> 00:57:31,818 - Rifles loaded, sir! - Did you arm them? 1010 00:57:31,828 --> 00:57:33,161 - Yes sir! - Have you uploaded them? 1011 00:57:33,171 --> 00:57:35,621 - Yes sir! - Then shoot it! 1012 00:57:40,429 --> 00:57:42,929 - Excuse me, sir? - Shoot it! 1013 00:57:43,923 --> 00:57:46,254 - What? - Retreat, both of you. 1014 00:57:46,750 --> 00:57:47,844 Oh, boy. 1015 00:57:49,069 --> 00:57:51,423 - Where are you from, Sampson? - Kansas City, Missouri, sir. 1016 00:57:51,433 --> 00:57:54,614 The "show me" state, huh? Well, then show me who you are 1017 00:57:54,624 --> 00:57:56,704 and shoot it! 1018 00:57:57,058 --> 00:57:58,205 Excuse me? 1019 00:57:59,841 --> 00:58:01,308 Shootcoool. 1020 00:58:02,293 --> 00:58:06,107 Sorry, sir. Could you repeat the order? I want to make sure I heard correctly. 1021 00:58:06,117 --> 00:58:07,517 Then, retreat. 1022 00:58:09,608 --> 00:58:12,466 What about you, Handly? Do you want to become a sniper? 1023 00:58:12,476 --> 00:58:14,156 Yes, I want to serve the my country, sir. 1024 00:58:14,166 --> 00:58:16,844 Are you ever alone, in the dark, letting your mind 1025 00:58:16,854 --> 00:58:19,988 take control of yours soul and play God? 1026 00:58:19,998 --> 00:58:22,248 - How, excuse me? - Yes or no, Handly? 1027 00:58:22,761 --> 00:58:24,601 Are you God? I'll give you a hint. 1028 00:58:24,611 --> 00:58:26,475 - You are. - Uh, okay. 1029 00:58:26,599 --> 00:58:27,799 Now, Handly... 1030 00:58:28,893 --> 00:58:30,343 Shootcoool. 1031 00:58:31,508 --> 00:58:33,575 - How? - Oh, sorry, 1032 00:58:33,675 --> 00:58:36,493 - do you want me to pronounce the words well? - Yes sir. 1033 00:58:36,503 --> 00:58:38,264 Spa-ran-cool. 1034 00:58:38,294 --> 00:58:39,829 Shoot it! 1035 00:58:40,674 --> 00:58:42,810 We can't understand your orders, sir. 1036 00:58:42,820 --> 00:58:45,149 - What the hell did you say? - Nothing, sir. 1037 00:58:45,159 --> 00:58:47,082 - But it seems like you said something. - No, sir. 1038 00:58:47,092 --> 00:58:48,149 Agree. 1039 00:58:48,191 --> 00:58:49,398 - Don't move! - Okay. 1040 00:58:49,408 --> 00:58:51,558 - I have to use the toilet. - Okay. 1041 00:58:53,868 --> 00:58:56,452 - It says "fire a shot", right? - I do not know. 1042 00:58:56,462 --> 00:58:58,147 Why does he say it that way? 1043 00:58:58,157 --> 00:59:01,507 I don't... I mean, Maybe he's testing us. 1044 00:59:02,563 --> 00:59:04,803 - False alarm. I shouldn't have done it. - Okay. 1045 00:59:04,813 --> 00:59:06,919 - I was resting on my bladder. - Okay. 1046 00:59:06,929 --> 00:59:08,379 What did I miss? 1047 00:59:08,405 --> 00:59:10,470 - Does anyone have a dog shooter? - No, sir. 1048 00:59:10,480 --> 00:59:12,638 - Load your rifles! - Rifles loaded, sir! 1049 00:59:12,648 --> 00:59:14,198 - Agree. - What? 1050 00:59:17,869 --> 00:59:19,269 All right, Handly. 1051 00:59:19,948 --> 00:59:22,598 Now I'll put my hand on your lower back. 1052 00:59:23,050 --> 00:59:25,769 - May I ask why, sir? - No, you can't. 1053 00:59:25,779 --> 00:59:28,358 - But do you know what you can do? - What, sir? 1054 00:59:28,368 --> 00:59:30,203 You can shootruncoool! 1055 00:59:30,889 --> 00:59:34,007 - Are you telling me to fire a shot? - I'm telling you to shootruncoool! 1056 00:59:34,017 --> 00:59:36,558 Now hold the fire and shoot the heat! 1057 00:59:37,301 --> 00:59:39,348 I have to hold my fire or do I have to fire a shot? 1058 00:59:39,358 --> 00:59:42,492 - Hold the fire and shoot the fire! - Damn, we don't understand anything! 1059 00:59:42,502 --> 00:59:43,902 Then, retreat. 1060 00:59:46,393 --> 00:59:49,293 - Load the rifle! - Rifle loaded, sir! 1061 00:59:49,382 --> 00:59:51,893 Well. My God, you can't do less... 1062 00:59:51,903 --> 00:59:54,510 - Wait. What is he doing? - Wait. 1063 00:59:54,524 --> 00:59:56,713 My God, you can't do it unless you are crouching. 1064 00:59:56,723 --> 00:59:59,166 - How, sir? - I said: "Load the rifle." 1065 00:59:59,176 --> 01:00:01,342 - Okay. - Enemy target at 75 meters. 1066 01:00:01,352 --> 01:00:02,790 - The rifle is cocked. - Really? 1067 01:00:02,800 --> 01:00:04,501 - Yes sir! - Are you sure? 1068 01:00:04,511 --> 01:00:07,982 - Yes sir! - So shoot the fire but keep the fire! 1069 01:00:08,582 --> 01:00:10,427 He's ordering me to fire a shot, sir? 1070 01:00:10,437 --> 01:00:13,219 There's something you're missing "hold the fire and fire it", boy? 1071 01:00:13,229 --> 01:00:15,473 - Everything, sir! - Just shoot him, soldier. 1072 01:00:15,483 --> 01:00:17,896 - Hold the fire and shoot them! - Should I fire a shot? 1073 01:00:17,906 --> 01:00:21,702 - Shoot it, hold the fire and shoot it! - Ok, I'm about to fire a shot! 1074 01:00:21,712 --> 01:00:23,236 Shoot it! 1075 01:00:25,797 --> 01:00:27,950 Ouch, who the hell shot me? 1076 01:00:30,080 --> 01:00:31,861 - Oops. - Oops? 1077 01:00:32,396 --> 01:00:34,045 He told me to fire a shot! 1078 01:00:34,055 --> 01:00:36,771 It is not true. I told you to "shoot a col". 1079 01:00:36,781 --> 01:00:39,324 In military jargon it means "to retreat". 1080 01:00:39,589 --> 01:00:41,549 But he also said "retire". 1081 01:00:41,559 --> 01:00:43,111 Yes, I'm inconsistent. 1082 01:00:43,141 --> 01:00:44,160 What?!? 1083 01:00:44,457 --> 01:00:46,106 What the hell does "hold fire" mean? 1084 01:00:46,116 --> 01:00:48,675 I don't know, it's a voodoo chant that I learned in Honduras. 1085 01:00:48,685 --> 01:00:49,693 What?! 1086 01:00:50,824 --> 01:00:53,693 Now let's get out of here! 1087 01:01:07,264 --> 01:01:09,914 Again, Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers. 1088 01:04:58,925 --> 01:05:01,674 Thanks to Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers! 1089 01:05:04,130 --> 01:05:06,180 And to Steve Martin! Steve Martin! 1090 01:06:16,164 --> 01:06:19,139 Review: franz84ts 1091 01:06:19,223 --> 01:06:23,235 ::Italian Subs Addicted:: [www.italiansubs.net]